Good Grief
November 25, 2007 (Eternity Sunday)
Rev. Jan Kraus
Text:
Psalm 23
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
John 14:1-7
Merciful God, listen to our hearts, Enter into our time and seasons of pain. Bless us and all who are in need of comfort and your gentle presence. Amen.
We have just participated in a very moving ritual. Even if you did not bring a flower forward and name a particular person you too have been touched by grief because you are a part of this community. Loss and grief have touched everyone in this community in many different ways this past year. Even though most of us choose to avoid pain –suffering and grief hold potential for blessing and growth.
The scriptures today remind us that many before us experienced change, loss and grief such as Abraham & Sarah, Ruth and Naomi, Moses and the Israelites, the psalmist, the writer of Ecclesiastes, Jesus and his friends, Mary & Martha and Lazarus, the Apostle Paul, the early Anabaptists, our own parents and grandparents.
We can see ways in which God was present to each of these people. They challenge us to look for ways in which God is with us in our current journey including our losses, our grief, and our changes. This morning, in the safety of this community, gathered in God’s presence, I invite you to enter into your own grief as much as you are able. Let yourself be aware of the depth and breathe of the loss you are experiencing. Take a moment now to remember the person/s that you have lost. (pause) Remember too that you are not totally alone even as you are aware that your own loss and grief is uniquely yours.
Loss, grief and change is inevitable and I believe that God calls us to grow throughout all of our lives. It is often through the difficult experiences that God transforms a person or a whole people. Just as the Israelites remembered the good old days of Egypt whenever life became chaotic or difficult. We too can expect to remember the good old days, old ways and old relationships, that try to hold us captive. Like the Israelites we too will need to walk into the chaos of the wilderness, the unknown, before we enter into the Promised Land, new life.
I am a chaplain and a great part of my life’s work is helping people face the losses of life, to say goodbye, in other words to grieve. From personal experience I know that no one can tell you about grief, no one can prepare you for it. No one can tell you about the huge hole, the wound that cuts to the center of your being, the emptiness that nothing can fill. The sadness and grief we experience upon the death of a person who is important to us, is a reminder of the significance of relationships in our lives. Each person is unique and each relationship is unique. No one else has had the same relationship that the two of you shared. Your life and theirs was intertwined in many different ways. Then when they died so did a part of you. As a result, you will never be the same again. You were changed by their life and you are changed by their death.
Grief is hard work, exhausting work. And it is tempting to try to avoid the pain and the work. Tempting as avoidance is I believe that it is helpful to think about, to reflect upon and to talk about the grief process. Many people experience grief as a physical wound, an assault to the body. At first, as with a physical wound, we have to tend the wound of grief carefully, and like a physical wound it heals slowly. We never “get over” grief. There will always be a scar. We learn to live with our grief and loss as we choose to go on living. Our grief becomes a part of our life story.
By being here today, hearing the familiar scriptures, singing hymns of lamentation, participating in the flower ceremony, you can expect that emotions and memories will be stirred up. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after someone we loved dies. Treasure those memories that bring you comfort. If your relationship was very affectionate, your memories may be full of happy things that you did together or meaningful times you shared with that person. Let those memories comfort you. If there were parts of your relationship that were strained or difficult, your grief will also contain aspects of regret. You will need to mourn not only the loss of the person, but the missed opportunities and broken dreams, as well. Explore those memories that trouble you. Even difficult memories find healing when they are expressed and worked through.
In our culture we sometimes tend to admire people who are stoic or who seem to be able to control their emotions, or who always look calm. This is unfortunate because it does not allow us to honour our feelings by expressing them. When you express or share your grief, the grief process is encouraged and healing begins. Some of you may find it helpful to share your feelings with a friend or a counselor, who will just listen and allow you to talk about your whole range of your feelings. Other times you may find comfort in a repetitive physical activity like knitting, or walking or woodworking. You may find it helps to write in a private journal your thoughts, your feelings, your fears and your experiences. Others may find it helpful to write a letter to the one who has died. You may find a personal ritual helpful when you have written the letter, maybe by burning it over a candles or by reading it aloud. Others may find that you can express your feelings more fully through music or dance or paint. Or you may find that you need a variety of ways to express your feelings, Give yourself permission to try new ways as well as the continue ones that have worked for you in the past.
You can expect to experience a wide variety of feelings; sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, shock, fear, exhaustion, even physical pain. Sometimes people experience loss of appetite, difficulty in sleeping, disturbing dreams or hallucinations, problems concentrating or problems remembering things. You may hear the person’s voice or their footsteps on the stairs, or you may see them in a crowd. You may find that you’ve set a place at the table for your loved one. None of these are unusual experiences.
You may feel very angry with God, because you believed God would protect you or your loved one from pain, or because it all feels so unfair. The scriptures are full of examples of people, like David, Naomi, Mary & Martha, and Jesus disciplines, who felt pain and grief and loudly complained, to God and to those around them. These too, are normal feelings for a grieving person.
We are both blessed and burdened by our humanity. Although life is sometimes unfair and has its suffering and sorrow — life is also very good and enriching. It is not easy to believe this when we are grieving. I believe that in every loss, God is there and invites us to enter into a process of healing that will transform us and lead us into a deeper relationship with God, with ourselves and with others. It is good to remember that you have experienced loss in the past and you did live through that loss. What do you remember that was helpful and meaningful in a previous time of grief? Did you find it helpful to meditate, to journal, to exercise, to garden, to phone a friend, to jog, to scrub a floor? Try that process this time also. Plan your day or week, write it on your calendar, so that you will have time alone, time with others, and time with God. Allow yourself to move through your grief and your goodbye in your own way and at your own pace. Allow others to move through their grief and their good-byes in their own way and at their own pace.
It is not time that heals all wounds. It is what we do with the time that helps heal the wounds. It is neither possible nor fair to compare your experience with that of others. Those who help us heal don’t say, “I know exactly how you feel.” They ask, “What is it like for you?” Then they listen compassionately — without giving advice.
It is normal to experience a spiritual crisis and to question any and all beliefs when you are in the midst of grief. You may find it hard to pray or even too painful to attend church sometimes. Some people who find it too painful to attend church have been hurt by well meaning people who have said that the death of a loved one was God’s will. One person told me that he angrily responded to that comment with, “God’s will? How do you know? Did God send you and e-mail?” Trust yourself, and God, enough to question your beliefs and to struggle with your faith. Yelling and shaking your fist at God is another form of prayer. God wants to remain in relationship with us even while we are angrily crawling through the valley of the shadow of death one-inch at a time.
Many people say that they do not know how to pray, especially in the midst of grief, and they are afraid because of this. Feeling inadequate or fearful about praying is a universal problem. Even Jesus’ closest asked, “Lord teach us to pray.” We know that the apostle Paul struggled with his own efforts to pray. He wrote “The Spirit too helps us in our weakness, for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but that very Spirit intercedes for us with sighs too deep for words.” Grief may call us to broaden our concept of prayer.
The prayer of tears may wash us clean,
the prayer of loneliness may prompt us to reach out to others,
the prayer of anger may release locked energy,
the prayer of silence may bring us the comfort of solitude,
the prayer of powerlessness may bring us to inner strength,
or the prayer of loss may bring us to the awareness of deep love and renewed self-esteem.
Be intentional in inviting God into your grief. In worship and in prayer we become more focused on the presence of God in our journey. In what ways can you allow God to care for you? What do you long to have happen in your relationship with God right now?
In the midst of grief we come to know different aspect of prayer and attributes of God. Prayer is more than speaking to God and talking God into doing what we think is best. Prayer is also listening. Inviting the Presence, the Mystery and the Strength of God into our lives. Perhaps by praying in both old and new ways, we will discover ourselves becoming more open or more courageously living in the unknown, the wilderness experience.
Healing is a slow process. It takes more than one prayer to heal deep loss. It is an ongoing process. We each need ongoing prayer to sustain us and to heal us. Be patient with yourself and with others. Reach out for help when you need it. Be as kind and gentle with yourself as you would be with a close friend. Talking about your loved one, using their name and encouraging others to do so, can be very healing. Remember that the death of someone loved changes your life forever. Your pain will heal (pause) and you will be able to feel joy and happiness again. You will never be exactly the same as you were before their death. Remember too, that it is a myth that once grief is healed it never comes up again. Most people who have found peace after a major loss still experience occasional and temporary upsurges of grief, often around holidays or anniversaries or when surrounded by others who are grieving such as we are today. Consider it a tribute to your loved one that even after the acute stages of grief have passed that occasional tearfulness, sadness and longing for their presence returns. Also consider it a tribute when you laugh as you remember something funny or humorous about them.
Many people describe grief as a wilderness experience. It looks and feels like chaos. Recognizing that chaos is normal when we are grieving helps us realize that we are not going crazy – we just feel crazy. And we may feel all alone even as others stand quietly and supportively by us. Remember that Naomi declared herself utterly alone and bitter immediately after Ruth declared “Where you go I will go. Your God will be my God, your people will be my people, and nothing will ever separate us.” Naomi felt alone in her dark wilderness of grief. Sometimes you’ll feel and act like Naomi; sometimes you will feel and act like Ruth. Tell God how you are feeling about your loss and what is confusing about your grief. Then open your eyes, look carefully and listen carefully. God will help you discern what is real and important about your unique grief and what are merely unrealistic expectations based upon the way things used to be.
The loss of a loved one is great and you have survived. You will heal and even grow as a result of this experience. By doing your grief work you are moving toward a renewed sense of meaning and purpose in your life. It takes time to adjust to new ways of living. Some parts of grief will be lonely, but do not try to carry the load of grief alone. May you find comfort and strength in the words of Jesus, “I am with you always,” And may you “Grieve – not as those who have not hope,” but please when you have something worth grieving about, go ahead and grieve.
Trust God to journey with you in your grief and in your healing process – even in the times and seasons when all you feel is emptiness. May the God of mercy who is well acquainted with grief, bless us with gentle comfort and healing for our sorrows. May the blessing of God be with you now and forever.